Thursday, February 6, 2014

Healed.



I enjoy the quiet in the afternoon. Amelia is sleeping and Vanessa is curled up in my lap resting. The snow is coming slowly and I'm loving the smell of my new candle. When the house is still for a moment my mind starts to wander. Today it goes straight to my mom. It was her birthday today and it's another reminder that she's not here anymore.

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of and miss my mom. People say time heals, but I'm not sure I believe that. I think time numbs the pain, but I don't think it heals it. Years went by in my life and the pain of her death hurt just as bad, if not worse. Even today, I could cry and miss her as bad as I did years ago. 

But I am healed. It's not the years that pass, but God who's worked a miracle in my heart. He healed me in a way that nothing else could. The hurt isn't gone, but in the midst of it I see his hands holding me, teaching me, and using the pain to mold me more into His image. I can feel alone missing her. Caleb's never known her, my children don't know her, and none of my friends know her. I can feel so isolated, but then I'm reminded that God knows it all. He knows both of us perfectly. He cares and he hurts with me. It draws me closer to him because he's the one that I turned to with all my hurt. I love that I share this with Him. And I love a day to stop and really think of her, miss her and thank God for the years I had with her.

"God is not all we would ask for (if we were honest), 
but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. 
It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light."
keep a quiet heart.

5 comments:

Kirra said...

So beautiful. I love you.

beth said...

this was beautifully written....I haven't had my sweet momma since I was 7 years old- you just always wonder what could have been. I know from having my own children, that a mother's love is unconditional and like no other. peace to you, xo

Lauren Lifeimagined said...

Lovingly written. I have just stubbed upon your blog and will be following along.
Lifeimagined.org

katygirl said...

i love you.

Christina Schergen said...

I love the stillness of the afternoon too...while the baby is napping and before the rush of dinner and baths.

This was so lovely. I don't think you can ever just "get over" losing someone. You are a living feeling person and you lost someone you cared about and parent at that...not something that ever fully heals. Love your heart!

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