Friday, January 31, 2014

the trials that test our faith

At 5:00 this morning, after about an hours sleep, I text my mom and told her I might need some help today. Elijah had his tonsils and adenoids out on Monday and it's been a rough week. My mom already helped by keeping the girls the first couple days. I was able to just take care of Elijah. I'm so glad I was free to do that. He's in so much pain and the evenings have been hard, with little sleep. 

My mind is all over the place. When we went into the hospital and they changed him into his gown, I started to get a little choked up. 
I felt weak for wanting to cry. 
I mean this is routine. 
Kids do it all the time. 
There's so much worse we could be going through, but seeing his little body in that big gown and knowing that he was going away from my protective arms made my heart hurt a little. It was a reminder that he's always in God's hands. My protection only goes so far, but His reaches beyond anywhere I can go. 

It makes me sick to my stomach to see him in so much pain.
I want to take it all away. 
It's exhausting. The first couple days he just silently cried. He was brave and strong, but as the week has gone on, his cries have gotten louder, he's eating less, and he keeps asking me why this is happening. 

I don't want to admit it, but the lack of sleep is catching up and I'm losing my patience. Thankfully my mom came in to let me catch my breath. She took him to her house to rest for a couple hours, but I'm sitting here and all I can do is think of him. I want him back. 

I keep thinking that this is just a building block in the many trials he's going to walk through in his life. What now feels like a huge trial to him, will one day barely be a memory. I'm praying that even though he's young and doesn't understand much, he will look back on this trial as one that God carried him through. I want it to be a stepping stone in his faith. I'll look over at him and he has his hands folded and head bowed. He keeps praying God would make the pain go away. I want him to remember that when he was 5 and in so much pain God heard his prayers. And even though the pain didn't disappear God held him through it all. 


bandofbrothers said...

so sad! this breaks my heart Jess!

but your outlook and faith is so inspiring. i guess it's best that kids learn early that life is rocky and that Jesus is the one that holds them up. otherwise they might be shocked later in life when hard times come. my friend sent me a verse. Deut 33:27 The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are His everlasting arms.

One translation is the He is holding us up with His everlasting arms, fighting our battles for us.

Kirra said...

oh this made me cry.

i love you. and him. praying for you both & hoping this is indeed just a building block of his faith.

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