Monday, September 30, 2013

longing

My grandfather passed away on Saturday. We got the news about 6 weeks ago that his health was failing, but we thought we had time. Maybe only months, but more than weeks. I grew up on stories of how tough he was and I couldn't imagine his body giving up. I thought he'd just will himself to live and he would. At least till Caleb could come see him. We booked our tickets, but it's too late. We'll arrive just weeks after he's buried. I know that God appoints a day for man to be born and to die, but my mind just couldn't grasp this was the end.
He took a turn for the worse a week ago and they said it was the end. It was a hard week with many tears and emotions. I had a little hope that there would be a miracle and we'd make it out there in time. A dark cloud followed me around last week that wouldn't lift. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. Tears came without warning and I just wanted to pray and be quiet with God. The waiting and anticipation was hard. My heart is still sad and tired, but a strange peace has come now that it's over. There's no more wrestling, but just an acceptance. There's joy knowing he's out of pain and in his true home.
I've lost a number of people close to me. Each one leaves a hole that never gets filled again. It changes you and you can't go back. It's left my heart with a constant longing for something, something that will only be filled in heaven. It reminds me that this place is not my true home and makes heaven a reality. Sorrow has a way of drawing me to heaven that joy doesn't. It pushes me to want to know Christ in a deeper way and long for him more. And I'm thankful for the change in me and how it transforms the way I live now. 

"I have come home at last! This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this."
(c.s. lewis, chronicles of narnia) 

Randy Alcorn has written Heaven and In light of Eternity. I would highly recommend both. They've helped me understand a biblical perspective on heaven and made me so excited to go there someday.

8 comments:

Katherine said...

Jessica,

I'm so very sorry for your loss, but thankful you had a grandfather whose life has left a mark on yours. I appreciate your words, "Sorrow has a way of drawing me to heaven that joy doesn't." May God be your comfort today...

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry Jess. Praying the Lord gives you strength.
How wonderful it will be to be reunited with one ones again.
Love and prayers.
xxO

bandofbrothers said...

sweet sweet girl. what a beautiful tribute to your grandpa and it shows how amazing your heart is and where your hope is. i am so so sorry for this loss. i love you.

Kiley said...

I am so very sorry Jess.... I wish i would have know and could have been praying for your sweet heart. Praying for you now ;)

christina said...

hugs! and you are so right about each person lost leaves a hole that cant be filled. So thankful that we can rejoice that we will see them again one day :)

katygirl said...

jess, i haven't read blogs in who knows how long but i randomly decided to read yours today. i'm sorry i'm reading this so late. i love you and this sweet blog post. i'm sorry for your loss and i understand how you feel. i also love those books and they have changed the way i view our eternity. thank you for being you.

amy said...

so sorry about this loss of yours and Caleb's. So very sad~ I'm so sorry you were hurting so bad, but thankful that you will see him some fine day? love you friend.

amy said...

so sorry about this loss of yours and Caleb's. So very sad~ I'm so sorry you were hurting so bad, but thankful that you will see him some fine day? love you friend.

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