Monday, May 13, 2013

anything but,

"To deny ourselves is the hardest thing in the world. Anything but that, Lord! But He says that's the first condition. If you're not prepared to fulfill that condition, you need not apply for discipleship."
Elisabeth Elliot

Anything but that...I felt that a lot before I had children and even more after. I was willing to do as the Lord asked as long as it didn't involve my children. They were mine, not His. I would do everything to take care of them. Even if everything was impossible. Even if I didn't know what the best thing for them was. 

Vanessa just turned 3. It makes me slow down and remember her. Remember what it took to bring her here. How close we were to losing her. How God used her to teach me to give up my 'anything, but.' 

It was obvious in the moment that we were in a high risk situation when I was pregnant with Vanessa. But it wasn't till after she was born and my doctor had a better understanding of all that had gone on during my pregnancy that we understood how incredible it was that she lived. He told me it was a miracle. There really was no reason she should have lived. I'm so grateful that God didn't ask me to walk through losing her. 

But He did ask me to trust him for months of not knowing. It took months to pry from my tightly gripped hand, my 'anything but.' I know that there are harder trials, but God tailor made this for me. It stretched all my weakest areas. The areas I wanted to control. The areas I thought I knew best. The areas I was scared to let go, the ones I didn't believe God was bigger enough to handle. 

He was faithful though. He was kind and gracious and showed me that I can surrender everything to Him. That His plan is much better. And the freedom that comes when fully believing in His Sovereignty.

It actually took me longer than months. It was a full year after Vanessa was born and I was still living in fear. Trying to hold on to my children as tightly as possible. It took a year to learn that my children are not even mine. They are His, in my care. It's a lesson I have to be reminded of, but one that changed me and my parenting. 


bandofbrothers said...

ug, hard thoughts. but oh so true. thanks for sharing.

Rebekah said...

I wish we lived closer. One day this side of heaven I should like to meet you. I have some "anything, but" that God is working out of me. Praise God that He is working and that He enabled you to be able to share.

christina said...

the enemy sure knows how to use fear on a mama heart.

what a testimony and a testimony to your daughters life!!!

Purposely at Home said...

God knows how to fulfill our every need. thank you for sharing, jessica.

I hope you're having a happy day!

p.s. i use the running app called MapMyRun for the iphone. i love it and it is pretty accurate.


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