Thursday, November 15, 2012

His mercy is new every morning...

I wrote this as a guest post a couple weeks ago and thought I'd share it here too...

 I stretch and slowly open my eyes. All I want to do is crawl back under my covers, but Amelia's cry pulls me out. I make it to her room and her sweet cry turns to a smile when she sees me. My heart is overflowing with love for her. She is pure joy and seeing her refreshes me. I can't believe she's seven months old already. 

As much joy as she's brought to our family it's been a seven months of struggling with sadness. My emotions have always run strong and deep. I feel everything passionately. 
But after I have a baby emotions get heightened and sometimes irrational. I'm completely exhausted and it's harder to tell if there is any truth behind my feelings. There are tears for no reason at all and right when I think it's getting better it hits hard again. I feel a weight that never quite lifts.

You have kept count of my tossing; 
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?...
This I know, God is for me.
Psalms 56:8

It's such a lonely place. 
An embarrassing place.
 A weak place.

 I like to pretend everything is fine and running smoothly. 
I don't like that I can't make sense of it. 
I hate the feeling of being out of control.
It's easy to look at how well other women are doing and compare myself to them.

 A bruised reed he will not break, 
and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;

I am the Lord;
I have called you in righteousness;
I will take you by the hand and keep you.
Isaiah 42

As hard as it's been to struggle through this, it's also been one of the most precious times in my life. It's because of this darkness that I see and feel the love of God in a way I've never felt before. I know His word is true and it is what guides my every step when I can't trust anything else. I know his love is not earned, but freely given. In my worst state his love is unchanging and his grace and mercy carry me through.

The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

 God's word is solid ground when everything around me can feel like it's falling apart. 
This time has become a huge lesson for me in trusting what I know to be true according to the bible instead of my feelings. Getting up and doing what God's called me to out of obedience not based on what I feel. Whenever I don't know what's true all I have to do is read his word. It's given me a peace and joy that remains.

Blessed be the Lord!
For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts and I am helped;
my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.

The Lord is the strength of his people;
he is the saving refuge of his anointed.
Oh, save your people and bless your heritage!
Be their shepherd and carry them forever.


bandofbrothers said...

i love you and i loved this post!

christina said...

great reminder friend!

Kirra said...

such a great reminder. thanks for the late night texts last night. i love you!

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