Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Missing her.


Eighteen years later and I can still cry like I lost my mom yesterday. It hits at strange moments. In the shower when I'm finally alone with my thoughts or driving in the car listening to music. It breaks my heart to admit that I've started to forget things about her or that there is so much I never knew. 

I miss her a lot after having a baby. It's another reminder she's not a part of our daily life.  

It hurts having children she doesn't know. Watching other people hold them is hard, reminding me that their Grandmother never will. 
I miss seeing her in the role of Grandmother. 
I miss knowing her. 
I miss her love.
I miss being able to talk with her.

I'd love her to sit on my bed with me while I hold Amelia and I could ask her all sorts of questions. I want to know...
what her pregnacies and deliveries were like? 
what her favorite songs were to sing to us when she rocked us to bed?
what her favorite stage was?
how she dealt with our differences?
how she knew who's needs to meet first?
when she knew to hold on and when she knew to let go?
when to discipline and when to show grace.
what things would she change?
what things would she do again?

I can't wait to see her again someday. And because we aren't promised tomorrow...kids just in case you're wondering....

Elijah, we planned our pregnancy with you, but it was very evident that as much as we plan it's God who starts life.

Girls...God suprised us with both of you.
Pregnancy was hard, but worth it. The first second I got to hold each of you made the pain of the last nine months disappear. (although it came back some durning those late night feedings:)

I love singing dolly doll doll doll to you (a song your great great grandmother made up.) You are my sunshine, hush little baby, and any hymns.

I liked rocking each of you to sleep.

It broke my heart to hear you cry and usually put me in tears too. 

I try to take everyones advice and just soak this time up with you. Dusting can wait. (although it can be hard for me not to be able to have a perfectly clean and organized home. I love things in order.)

Ya'll make your dad and I laugh all the time. We really enjoy being your parents.

Becoming a parent is one of the most sanctifying things. I constantly see my failures, but God is so gracious and has supplied all I need to be your mom.

I pour over books and sermons to learn all I can about how to raise you in a godly way. 

The most important thing in the world to me is that you would love God and submit to his word. 

I LOVE being a wife and mom. There is nothing else I'd rather do than take care of ya'll. 

9 comments:

theolivetree said...

Tears! Such a sweet post...just found your blog...the loss of a parent never gets easy no matter hold old you are when it happens. Looks like your kiddos are very blessed to have such a wonderful mama!

Kelly said...

jess this is beautiful! your love for the lord and your family is something to be admired. remember that every moment of everyday your mom is with you in spirit...until you meet again.
hugs!

Meghan Maureen said...

I think we met once; I don't remember, but I am good friends with Julie Martin and all of those girls. I've been reading your blog for a couple years now and am finally coming out of hiding to say, I loved this post. I had read here before that you lost your mom but, after reading this one and seeing it was eighteen years ago and the impact it has had on you being a mother brought me to tears. I lost MY mother EIGHTEEN years ago this March and my recent pregnancy and parenting of my five month old has constantly been bringing her more to mind these days, as I long for all the questions you have had, and to watch her as grandma. I can identify with each and every thought you've had; it's such a unique experience to have lost a mother so young and to grow up with all of these "what ifs." All that to say, thank you for sharing and know that I am praying for you as one that can fully understand the weight of such a loss.

Meghan

bandofbrothers said...

gorgeous post. i die over these pictures! you are an amazing mama and I'm SURE your mom is smiling down on you, so proud.

i'm so sad for you that you do not get to share these things with your mama. i ache for you.

love you jess!

lorieloo said...

This both broke my heart and made me smile and completely encouraged me. I'm so sorry you don't get to share your babies with your mother, but as Davi wrote above, I know she is smiling down, rejoicing with you over all three of your blessings.

I miss you! And LOVE these pictures.

michaela @ m.jane said...

beautiful post, jessica.

it's so so hard to know how much your child is missing when their grandma is in heaven. you just want to give your children the world and their grandparent's love can't be replaced.

hugs to you in your healing.
michaela

Kirra Sue said...

Oh friend. Break my heart. I love you.

Kimmie @ Sugar and Dots said...

GREAT photos! I'm new here... love the feel of your site so far! I'm off to check out some more posts. Thought I'd say hi rather than lurk around. :) Have a great week, sugar! xo

katygirl said...

This is a great post! I love hearing your heart and these pictures are so great!! I really love your hair!

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