Thursday, March 29, 2012

tripled in size and divided by three

I was nervous when I was pregnant with Vanessa if I'd love her as much as Elijah. Elijah and I barely left each others sides until I was put on bed rest. We were so close and the love I felt for him so strong. I wondered if I could love someone else as much. 

Those fears vanished as soon as Vanessa came into the world. The second I heard her little cry I felt like my heart left my body. All I could think about was how much I loved her and wanted to care for her.

Raising Elijah and Vanessa together was pure joy. When I got pregnant with Amelia I didn't fear if I'd love her as much. I knew I would. I didn't know what life would look like with three, but questions of my love for all three weren't there.

What I didn't know is how divided I'd feel. I want to give each child enough time and attention, but there isn't enough time in the day. 

I want to comfort each when they cry. 
Tuck them all in at night.
Be the one that gets them in the morning.
I want to read to Elijah and Vanessa and take them outside to play. 
I want to rock Amelia and never let her out of my arms. 

But, I can't always be in three places at once. (actually I never can) Vanessa was so sick the other day. She got in bed with us and I held her until Amelia started crying for me to feed her. As I moved to pull her out of her crib Vanessa started crying for me. I didn't know what to do. Both children needed me. In that moment I was the only one that could meet Amelia's need. So I did. My heart broke a little as Caleb meet Vanessa's. I'm thankful that he was able to and reminded that God is the one who ulitmately meets their needs.  

 I read this on a blog from another mom and it's become my prayer too. It just seems to sum up where we're at right now.  
But for right now, my prayer is very simple: strength and wisdom. I desperately feel my need for both. Strength to get out of bed in the morning and finish the dinner dishes before 9pm. Strength to insist on obedience for my children's good. Strength to still be smiling by the end of the day when my husband comes home from work. And wisdom. Wisdom to know how to handle a myriad of moments with two precious children who don't speak the same language. Wisdom to know when to comfort and when to correct. Wisdom to know which child takes first priority when all four our vying for my attention at once.

The Proverbs 31 woman is "clothed with strength" and "speaks with wisdom." I'm a long way from either but I know that God is eager to answer this simple, desperate, prayer on behalf of 

this helpless, happy, mother. Nicole Whitacre

I'm guessing I'll always feel this way. I'll continue to pray for strength and wisdom as I learn how to meet their needs and be thankful that my love for them runs so deep. 


alison said...

i worried about that too. i kept thinking, "hannah has ALL of my heart! how to i give ALL to more than one child?!?" i don't understand how it works, but it just does. your children are blessed to have a mommy who wants to always do and be there for them. i work with many children every day who don't have that.

Kirra Sue said...

Amelia is so yummy I could just gobble her up!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kendra @ little almanac said...

I am sooo happy to have read this! I'm expecting my second and I am so unsure of how I will be able to love my second one with that same passion as I do my Evelyn. I know it will happen, but it just seems like my heart is already full right now. I'm glad to know that it has the ability to expand double, triple, quadruple the size :)

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