Monday, September 19, 2011

This time around...

After we found out we were having complications with my pregnancy with Vanessa one of the first questions we asked was would this happen again? Our doctor told us it was random. There was a good chance it wouldn't happen again, but it could. He told us each pregnancy is different and this problem has a lot to do with the way the placenta attaches itself in the earliest parts of pregnancy. 


When we found out I was pregnant again we had high hopes that this would be a normal pregnancy. The first couple ultrasounds everything looked really good, but about five weeks ago, right before we moved I had my last appointment with my doctor. As he was doing the ultrasound he found the same problem with this pregnancy as with Vanessa. It's called bilateral notching, it's basically a blockage in the blood flow from me to the baby and the baby ends up not getting the nutrients it needs. It also compromises the health of the placenta and raises our risks for other problems. 


It was not news we wanted to hear. I bawled the whole drive home. Fears filling my mind. I felt like such a failure. Why can't I take care of my sweet babies? Images of the long road ahead consumed me until I reached home and hugged Caleb. He reminded me that we still don't know what's going to happen. Just because they see this problem doesn't mean it's going to effect this baby the way it did Vanessa. He reminded me that God carried us through before and will again. We prayed and now are in a waiting game. 


Only time will tell how the baby is growing. I've found a new doctor in Idaho, that I really like and will see a specialist in a couple weeks. 


I'm learning it seems for the hundredth time to take things moment by moment. Confessing my fears before the Lord and letting him carry us again. 


People often look at me and with all the best intentions say, "well look how well Vanessa is doing." This is a comfort. God graciously spared her life when he didn't have to. She's healthy and happy and such a joy. But that doesn't erase the trial that we went through bringing her here. Months on bed rest, being separated from Elijah for six weeks when he was only 16 months when I had barely left him before. Facing daily the fact that our baby might not live or have lots of complications. Seeing her born so tiny and not being able to take her home with us was one of the hardest things I've done. 


I don't want to go through that again, but I do know this, if God asks us to walk the same road again I'll do it differently. I really struggled being depressed last time. I didn't take the oportunity to see God's hand at work. I cared my worry close to my heart and was not grateful for the trial. This time I will choose to have a thankful heart. I'll allow the Holy Spirit to work in me and trust in God's plan not my own. Please pray for us as we wait to see how our baby will grow.

9 comments:

Bekki said...

Kyle and I are praying! I've been there for every birth from Abigail to Vanessa and I really want to be there for this one too if we can! You may have already done it, but memorize Phil. 4:6-9 print it and frame it around the house. I love you

Amie said...

Jessica just wanted you to know that we are praying for a healthy baby that grows as he/she should. But more then that we are praying that God will use this specific time of pregnancy to make you and your children grow closer to Him. Love to you,
Jon and amie

katygirl said...

i will be praying for baby. :)

Alyss said...

Oh praying for you and your sweet baby Jessica!

bandofbrothers said...

You never cease to amaze and inspire me with your strong faith! I will be praying for this precious and beloved baby. I love you Jess!

Sara Harmon said...

praying for you and your little one

Kelly said...

jessi, i will be praying.

Heart n Soul said...

Praying Phil 4:7 for you ... a peace beyond reason or sensibility. A peace that transcends understanding.

Z said...

:( That's hard news to swallow,especially considering you went through it before. You're not a failure. You are a beautiful mama who loves your babies SO much. We just have to remind ourselves that they do not belong to us. They have simply been entrusted to our care and that God is the writer of their days. I had a really hard time accepting this when I first became a mom in 2006. Sending you a virtual hug and praying for that precious miracle inside of you :)

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