Tuesday, June 14, 2011

waiting patiently.

This mono thing is really taking it's toll. I'm not recovering as fast as I would like and everytime I think I'm doing a little better I take two steps back. It's been discouraging. My doctor takes blood weekly to see where my numbers are. One of the tests he does keeps coming back adnormal. At first they thought it was just because of the mono. They decided to run some more tests and watch it. After this last round of blood work I expected a call on Monday telling me everything was looking good, but unfortunately, that wasn't the case. My numbers keep getting higher. 

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. The nurse says I need to take this as serious as possible until we know more.  This means I need to rest as much as possible. (I don't think my doctor realizes I have a one and two year old, rest isn't something that happens in this house)  It also means a specialists and of course more tests. 

When I hung up with the nurse I was flooded with emotions. I felt sad, worried, overwhelmed, angry, and guilty. 

Caleb, truly my better half, handled it much better. His faith astounds me. His first response like always was, everything is going to be fine. His trust that God is in control is lived out in the moment. He knows God will take care of us. He also lives in the moment. He always takes things one at a time. He lets tomorrow worry about itself. While my mind is running around with all the crazy what if's his is set on God's promises. 

He pulled me into his arms, prayed for us and gently wiped my tears. 

For the last two days, I've been wrestling with my response. I want to learn from my mistakes and let God use this trial to draw me closer to him. I didn't choose to trust God in the moment. I didn't choose to be grateful for the trial and all the blessings that have come out of this time. And I didn't choose to obey. I was anxious, when God commands us to be anxious for nothing. I felt guilty, because I can't take care of my family they way I want to and I  put my worth into what I accomplish instead of what Christ had done for me. 

But, I serve a gracious and forgiving God who doens't see my failures, because Christ paid it all. Whether it turns out to be nothing or whether it's serious I will choose to trust in him. 

And my prayer is that I will wait patiently, "laying aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." 
Hebrews 12:1 and 2

My iniquities are great and numberless,
 but thou art adequate to my relief,
for thou art rich in mercy; 
the blood of thy Son can cleanse from all sin;
the agency of thy Spirit can subdue
my most powerful lusts.
Give me a tender, wakeful conscience
that can smite and torment me when I sin.
May I be consistent in conversation and conduct,
the same alone as in company,
accepting all thy commandments as right,
and hating every false way.
May I never be satisfied with my present spiritual progress,
but to faith add virtue, knowledge, temperance, godliness, brotherly kindness, charity.

The Valley of Vision


bandofbrothers said...

Praying for you fervently dear friend. You have been in my thoughts, heart and mind all day. Love you!

life chasers said...

majorly praying for you. i'm currently going through the guilt thing as well and it can be strangling. i'm so sorry you are going through this, friend.

Kelly said...

Praying for you Jessica. Don't you love how perfectly God matches us with our spouses. My husband is everything I am not, his strengths compliment my weaknesses and visa versa.
God is Good he will heal your body.

Alyss said...

oh gosh. praying for you! for health and a sense of peace.

kenzie said...

Hebrews 12:11 "all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness"

this is so true! its hard right now, but when the Lord does decide to heal you, then you will see all the good that came from this trial! praying for a quick recovery!! <3

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry, Jess! I'm praying for much strength and grace for you in this long and difficult trial and that as you said, you would learn what He has for you while you're in the midst of it. Thank you for your honesty. It's beautiful to read about your heart and what you're learning.
Love, Ashley

Brittney said...

I will be praying for you! I have been struggling with mono and trying to overcome it for a couple months now...I don't have any children, which I know must make it harder than imaginable....but I just finished an 18 hour semester and I am working on planning a wedding which is a ton of work....I work with a midwife also, and I had to quit that for awhile which was super frustrating...I totally understanding the letdown when you think it is about gone, and then it hits hard again....but God is faithful! Hang in there....The most encouraging verse to me during this time has been from Exodus 13....it says, "God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land."....I have felt the same guilt...I hate being tired when I am with my precious fiance Caleb, and my sweet family and friends when this should be such an exciting time in life...I haven't always been thankful for having mono..but the Lord has been teaching me so much that I would have missed had I never experienced this trial.....The Lord took the Israelites a longer route to the promised land when he could have just lead them across the philistine territory, but he didn't and he had a very specific purpose in that....and think of all the miracles and works of God the Israelites would have they would have missed had the not experience the wilderness..Mono can feel like a wilderness, but just remember, this is God's place for us for the time being..keep your eyes on Christ!...hang in there and be encouraged! praying that yours turns out to be nothing more serious! Blessings to you!

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

this is a beautiful post. thanks for sharing :) happy to have found your blog.

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

p.s. I had mono in highschool and it lasted 5 months. it was miserable, so I know where you are and where your coming from. it is hard to stay positive. but chin up, it does pass.

Sharstin said...

Oh girly, so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. You are such an amazing family, and I am always inspired by your posts. I hope you can get some answers from the tests and start feeling better:)

Jami said...


Heart n Soul said...

Thinking of you beautiful girl...praying favour and grace..... love your words here - so heartfelt. Would love it if you linked up with 'Inspire me'...an opportunity to encourage othesr in their journey towards hope, purpose and destiny... what your post is all about :) Blessings.

Heart n Soul said...

So glad you linked up but there were two http's in the URL link back to your blog so it didn't work....just try again...I've done that before too. Thanks Lovely.

Z said...

It is in moments like this that make us realize just how much we need to cherish our health, that all the other details are so miniscule. I am praying for you dearest! Praying in Jesus name that you will be well! And praise God for such a strong husband who chooses to speak life regardless of the circumstance. What a wonderful blessing :)

mrharrell said...

Okay...This is the first blog post I read of yours, and the verse you quoted is my life verse. In fact, it is my password to this laptop, which I just had to type in to get onto the internet! Neat how God ordains relationships, and blesses them long before we even are aware! Heaven is going to be such a glorious place.

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