Sunday, January 2, 2011

Paralyzed by Fear

I never thought of myself as a fearful person. I mean, I had fears I guess, but didn't think lots about them. But since being a wife, and even more so when I became a mom I found myself fearing more. 

Caleb would be late coming home from work and my first thought was a car accident. I pictured myself at his bedside praying he would survive and before I knew it I was fighting off tears. Ridiculous and morbid I know. 

Then I had Elijah. Wow, I can't count the number of times I've checked on him while he's sleeping to make sure he was still breathing. And if he slept longer than normal in the morning, instead of enjoying the quiet, I found myself fighting the urge to go in his room and make sure he was okay. Usually I would talk myself out of it, telling myself how crazy I, but there were other times I would allow my mind to run wild and couldn't resist checking on him.

This behavior continued when Vanessa became part of our family, but at that point had become normal to me. I shrugged this kind of worrying off, not as a sin, but as just "being a mom." I rationalized my fear, especially when it came to Nessie. I thought with all that we went through with her this is totally normal and even expected. 

The other day, I started to realize how out of control I had let my mind go. I was finding it harder and harder to control my thoughts and saw how quickly I pictured bad things happening to my family and me. I was actually driving home with the kids crying cause I had imagined losing them. 

 It hit me hard. I had allowed the sin of worry to creep it's ugly head into my life unchecked for so long it was taking over. I realized I was becoming paralyzed by fear. I've experienced loss, very close to me multiple times. So, for some it seems unimaginable, while I live knowing how very short life is and that loss comes at anytime and usually when you least expect it. 

But I woke up to the fact that living this way is not only sinful, but I also rob myself of the time God has given my with my family when I'm not living in the moment with them. 

I confessed my sin and am really working ridding this from my life. I'm completely relying on the Holy Spirit to help me control my thoughts and stop them before they even have a chance to start. 

I'm allowing peace to take the place of worry and praying for a peace that surpasses all understanding. I'm also trusting that God only gives us what we can handle and for today he's not given me the grace to walk through the trial of losing Caleb or my babies. But if he does call me to that then his grace will be there to carry me through.  


shayla said... by Carolyn Mahaney and her daughters just finished doing a great series on their blog about motherly fear. You may find it encouraging. Praying for your sweet family during this new transition; praying that God would fill your hearts with trust and peace.

ps. You two make beautiful babies!! Such contagious smiles!

Jessica said...

Thank you. I'll have to look that up. And thank you for your prayers.

danielle @ take heart said...

thank you so much for sharing your heart. worry is something that affects me greatly too. i have been trying to give to give it all to the Lord as well.
:) i will pray for you, friend.

and ps:
i don't think you have any baby weight, girl!

Band of Brothers said...

wow, brave post. i can totally relate.

whenever i start to fret I say to myself "faith, not fear". i know God will always be with me.

Band of Brothers said...

oh and one more thing...what fun to have you at the Christmas program! thanks for those sweet words. were you visiting someone?

Anne Eurose Abris said...

I can totally relate! Add a hubby then babies to our lives and the fear just creeps in. But God is good...all the time. We just have to trust Him.

emily said...

oh, i'm glad you posted this...some days i feel this exact.same.way.
it is paralyzing.

Drollingers said...

Hi Jessica, not sure if you remember me but i went to school with your sister, Katie, and am good friends with Deidre. Anyhow, I struggle with the same thing, same thoughts. This fall I read a book called "Practical Theology For Women" by Wendy Horger Alsup. It was extremely helpful, very Biblical, and practical. Just thought I'd pass it along. its a quick read too.
Rachel Drollinger

Jessica said...

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words...I've been studying this and feel like the Lord is really helping me in this area.

Rachel, I'll check that book out. Thanks for telling me about it.

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